Funny Quotes (Page 2)


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If you ask me anything I don't know, I'm not going to answer.  ~ Yogi Berra

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.  ~ Woody Allen

Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.  ~ Albert Einstein

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is.  ~ Ellen DeGeneres

Faith hasn't got no eyes, but she's long-legged.  ~ Zora Neale Hurston

A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice.  ~ Bill Cosby

O Lord, help me to be pure, but not yet.  ~ Saint Augustine

I didn't have time to write a short letter, so I wrote a long one instead.  ~
Mark Twain

Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair.  ~ George Burns

I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.  ~ Charles Lamb

Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television.  ~ Woody Allen

By trying we can easily endure adversity. Another man's, I mean.  ~ Mark Twain

I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty.  ~ George Burns

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.  ~ Mae West

Get your facts first, and then you can distort them as much as you please.  ~
Mark Twain

I know God will not give me anything I can't handle. I just wish that He didn't trust me so much.  ~ Mother Teresa

How is it possible to have a civil war?  ~ George Carlin

Just going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in your garage makes you a car.  ~
G.K. Chesterton

I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.  ~
Phyllis Diller

After three days houseguests and food begins to stink!  ~
Benjamin Franklin

The one thing women don't want to find in their stockings on Christmas morning is their husband.  ~ Joan Rivers

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.  ~ Groucho Marx

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.  ~ Henny Youngman

If you're a part of my family, I will love you violently.  ~ Charlie Sheen

I was going to buy a copy of "The Power of Positive Thinking", and then I thought: What the hell good would that do? ~  Ronnie Shakes

As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.  ~ Buddy Hackett

I am not a complete vegetarian. I eat only animals that have died in their sleep.  ~ George Carlin

Some people bring joy wherever they go, and some people bring joy whenever they go.  ~
Mark Twain

Recession is when a neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you lose yours. ~ Ronald Reagan

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