Funny Quotes (Page 2)
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If you ask me anything I don't know, I'm not going to answer. ~ Yogi Berra
Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons. ~ Woody Allen
Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe. ~ Albert Einstein
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is. ~ Ellen DeGeneres
Faith hasn't got no eyes, but she's long-legged. ~ Zora Neale Hurston
A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice. ~ Bill Cosby
O Lord, help me to be pure, but not yet. ~ Saint Augustine
I didn't have time to write a short letter, so I wrote a long one instead. ~ Mark Twain
Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair. ~ George Burns
I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early. ~ Charles Lamb
Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television. ~ Woody Allen
O Lord, help me to be pure, but not yet. ~ Saint Augustine
I didn't have time to write a short letter, so I wrote a long one instead. ~ Mark Twain
Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair. ~ George Burns
I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early. ~ Charles Lamb
Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television. ~ Woody Allen
By trying we can easily endure adversity. Another man's, I mean. ~ Mark Twain
I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty. ~ George Burns
Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand. ~ Mae West
Get your facts first, and then you can distort them as much as you please. ~ Mark Twain
I know God will not give me anything I can't handle. I just wish that He didn't trust me so much. ~ Mother Teresa
How is it possible to have a civil war? ~ George Carlin
Just going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in your garage makes you a car. ~ G.K. Chesterton
I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them. ~ Phyllis Diller
After three days houseguests and food begins to stink! ~ Benjamin Franklin
The one thing women don't want to find in their stockings on Christmas morning is their husband. ~ Joan Rivers
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. ~ Groucho Marx
I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places. ~ Henny Youngman
If you're a part of my family, I will love you violently. ~ Charlie Sheen
I was going to buy a copy of "The Power of Positive Thinking", and then I thought: What the hell good would that do? ~ Ronnie Shakes
As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it. ~ Buddy Hackett
I am not a complete vegetarian. I eat only animals that have died in their sleep. ~ George Carlin
Some people bring joy wherever they go, and some people bring joy whenever they go. ~ Mark Twain
Recession is when a neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you lose yours. ~ Ronald Reagan
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I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty. ~ George Burns
Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand. ~ Mae West
Get your facts first, and then you can distort them as much as you please. ~ Mark Twain
I know God will not give me anything I can't handle. I just wish that He didn't trust me so much. ~ Mother Teresa
How is it possible to have a civil war? ~ George Carlin
Just going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in your garage makes you a car. ~ G.K. Chesterton
I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them. ~ Phyllis Diller
After three days houseguests and food begins to stink! ~ Benjamin Franklin
The one thing women don't want to find in their stockings on Christmas morning is their husband. ~ Joan Rivers
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. ~ Groucho Marx
I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places. ~ Henny Youngman
If you're a part of my family, I will love you violently. ~ Charlie Sheen
I was going to buy a copy of "The Power of Positive Thinking", and then I thought: What the hell good would that do? ~ Ronnie Shakes
As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it. ~ Buddy Hackett
I am not a complete vegetarian. I eat only animals that have died in their sleep. ~ George Carlin
Some people bring joy wherever they go, and some people bring joy whenever they go. ~ Mark Twain
Recession is when a neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you lose yours. ~ Ronald Reagan
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