George Carlin Quotes

Date of Birth: May 12, 1937    Date of Death: June 22, 2008

George Carlin was a five-time Grammy Award winning comedian who is mostly known for his black humor.  During his long career, he hosted the first Saturday Night Live  show and also entertained with fourteen HBO specials.  Included in his many awards through his career is the Mark Twain Prize for Humor Award, that he won in 2008.

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.  ~ George Carlin

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?  ~ George Carlin

Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music.  ~ George Carlin

The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.  ~ George Carlin

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.  ~ George Carlin

"Meow” means “woof” in cat.  ~ George Carlin

We are a nation of sheep, and someone else owns the grass.  ~ George Carlin

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.  ~ George Carlin

Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.  ~ George Carlin

I put a dollar in a change machine. Nothing changed.  ~ George Carlin

Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.  ~ George Carlin

How is it possible to have a civil war?  ~ George Carlin

I often warn people: "Somewhere along the way, someone is going to tell you, 'There is no "I" in team.' What you should tell them is, 'Maybe not. But there is an "I" in independence, individuality and integrity.  ~ George Carlin

The very existence of flamethrowers proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said to themselves, 'You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I’m just not close enough to get the job done.  ~ George Carlin

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.  ~ George Carlin

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.  ~ George Carlin

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.  ~ George Carlin

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?  ~ George Carlin

Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.  ~ George Carlin

When you're born into this world, you're given a ticket to the freak show. If you're born in America you get a front row seat.  ~ George Carlin

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day. ~ George Carlin

Scratch any cynic and you will find a disappointed idealist.  ~ George Carlin

Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.  ~ George Carlin

Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong.  ~ George Carlin

I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.  ~ George Carlin

I do this real moron thing, and it's called thinking. And apparently I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.  ~ George Carlin

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?  ~
George Carlin

Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?  ~
George Carlin

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