George Carlin Quotes

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.  ~ George Carlin


If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?  ~ George Carlin


Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music.  ~ George Carlin


The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.  ~ George Carlin


Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.  ~ George Carlin


"Meow” means “woof” in cat.  ~ George Carlin


We are a nation of sheep, and someone else owns the grass.  ~ George Carlin


I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.  ~ George Carlin


Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.  ~ George Carlin


I put a dollar in a change machine. Nothing changed.  ~ George Carlin


Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.  ~ George Carlin


How is it possible to have a civil war?  ~ George Carlin


I often warn people: "Somewhere along the way, someone is going to tell you, 'There is no "I" in team.' What you should tell them is, 'Maybe not. But there is an "I" in independence, individuality and integrity.  ~ George Carlin


The very existence of flamethrowers proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said to themselves, 'You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I’m just not close enough to get the job done.  ~ George Carlin


The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.  ~ George Carlin


Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.  ~ George Carlin


Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.  ~ George Carlin


If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?  ~ George Carlin


Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.  ~ George Carlin


When you're born into this world, you're given a ticket to the freak show. If you're born in America you get a front row seat.  ~ George Carlin


Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day. ~ George Carlin


Scratch any cynic and you will find a disappointed idealist.  ~ George Carlin


Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.  ~ George Carlin


Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong.  ~ George Carlin


I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.  ~ George Carlin


I do this real moron thing, and it's called thinking. And apparently I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.  ~ George Carlin


Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?  ~ George Carlin


Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?  ~ George Carlin